Fire Red Part 12: Uncle Buck’s Safari

The Safari Zone


Through the power of word and mouth (and google) I discovered that the prize for reaching the furthest point in the Safari Zone was the HM for Surf. I returned to Fushea City via the cycle route (weeeeeeeeee!) and then made my way to the front entrance.


“Good day sir!” Said the lady behind reception “would you like to learn the rules of the Safari Zone?”

Rules? I was not aware that this place had rules! Please continue lady.

“In this zone you only have a limited amount of time to capture Pokémon but you can’t take any of your own Pokémon with you. Don’t worry, there’s a play area where you can let them have fun.” Excellent, Jackie Chan is quite paschal to swing sets.

“Instead of Pokémon, trainers use can use bait to lure and befriend the Pokémon. And then capture them using one of our special Safari Zone balls. If you run out of time or balls your game is over and you have to come back to the reception. Understood?” I told her I did, “excellent! Then that will be 500pp please.”

500pp?! What was this?! I didn’t know why I should pay so much! My Uncle Buck owns this place you see and has a whole arcade system dedicated to it! I demanded free entry! She told me she was going to call security.


After spending a night in the cells for attacking the safari staff, my uncle Buck paid for my bail and gave me a free pass to his safari zone. Thanks Uncle Buck!


Centre zone


Right, I was now in the centre zone of the Safari zone, however I did not want to risk my first Pokémon being another blasted rat. So I decided to go fishing instead, the first Pokémon I hooked was a Goldeen. I tried to feed it bait but it didn’t work. Screw it I thought, I just began throwing rocks at it instead. The Goldeen wasn’t too happy about the fact that I had just blinded it with a bit of slate, so it fled back into the river as quickly as possible.

I had obviously failed in this area so I moved to the next one.


Area 1: West


There was more grass here, so I took a bit of a dive into it to see what I could find. What I came upon was one of whose two headed birds called Doduo. I threw a ball at the monster and caught it instantly. I named it Phones 4 You (because why not) and dumped it into one of the boxes.

Suddenly a large siren went off and a voice called out on a loud speaker “Come in Fat Matt your time is up!” Time up! I could not believe it! I’d only just got here. Uncle Buck, your staff better have good health insurance.


After a short 18 month spell at her Majesties Pleasure for nearly killing a man, I decided that it would be pointless to try and capture a creature in each zone. So instead I was just going to run as quickly as possible towards the Secret House and just hope that the timer didn’t go off beforehand.


It was difficult (running isn’t exactly my strong point) but I made it there just in time. But not before picking up a pair of strange Gold Teeth from the floor before.

I was given the HM as I was the only person to get to the secret house. Wait? Does this mean that I’d beaten Wanker at something?


I remembered that the Gold Teeth had to go to some old guy, but I’d spent so long in prison that I couldn’t remember where he lived. Oh well, it probably wasn’t important anyway.


Route 19


There was a large beach here before a vast ocean, on the beech there were a lot of sun bathers here with Water Pokémon. Jackie Chan Thunder punched them back to Davy Joneses Locker.


Now! Finally I could use Surf! I taught the move to my old faithful companion Blue Thing and together we sailed off into the distance.

The first Pokémon to attack us on the ocean was a blue squid thing called Tentacool. Jackie Chan hit it a bit too hard and killed it. Oh well. It looked pretty weak anyway.

Little did I know that that particular Tentacool was the first of many, hundreds in fact, wait no, Thousands! Literal, they swarmed us from every side. Jackie Chan had to stand alongside me on Blue Things back and punch the squishy things back into the sea. However I had to warn him as twice he had nearly electrocuted poor Blue Thing. He was a Water type too after all.

There were also a few people swimming in the ocean here that we battled between the tides of Tentacool.


Route 20


Guess what the first Pokémon I came across here was? Can you guess? I bet you can’t, but really give it a go. You give up? Alright I’ll tell you, but it’ll be a bit of a surprise. Ready? It was a Tentacool! Yeah, bet you didn’t see that coming did you? I caught it with a Great Ball, and named him Temple of Do (because I accidentally pressed enter instead of backspace on the naming screen.) into the box he went.

However it seems as though his friends weren’t particularly happy about it as another billion of the things then swamped us again. Jackie Chan just Thunder punched the blasted things out of the way.

Apart this there was nothing to report, only more endless oceans, Tentacool, and swimmers with Water types. Pretty standard stuff.


Sea foam Islands


After what felt like an eternity our eyes fell upon the wonderful Sea Foam Islands. These was a series of caves and caverns floating in the ocean. I would have gone around them, but for some reason thousands of sharp rocks blocked my way. It seemed as though I had no choice but to pass through the caverns.


I was a little worried now to be honest, I was miles away from the nearest place where I could heal my team or buy supplies. I mean sure I could have Wolvo Rat fly me to a nearby Center, but that would mean that I’d then have to go all the back along route 19 and 20 again, battling hordes of Tentacool.


Well there was nothing else for it; I entered down into the deep dark, watery, tunnels. Probably meaning that I would not only be attacked by Zubat , but by Tentacool as well.


This was a dank, dark place, stinking of salt water and fish. The 1st creature I came across here was a cuddly yellow duck called Psyduck? I really, really wanted it! It looked so frigging awesome! I threw an Ultra Ball and caught it on the 1st try. I called it Fizzgogshat, and sadly it was stored in the box. Oh how I wished I could have used it right then.


There were a lot of water Pokémon in these caves, including a cute little sea lion called Seel; it was cute, but nowhere near as cute as my Psyduck! (However it still won’t fill the hole left by Jeff.)


Deeper into the tunnels I came upon an evolved Psyduck called Golduck (which was weird as Psyduck was a golden colour and Golduck was a blue one.) I didn’t care though, as I thought that Psyduck looked much cooler by comparison anyway.


After wandering around these caves for what felt like hours I began to realise that I needed the HM for Strength to move a bunch of boulders. Meaning that I had to leave these caves and go back and find the old man.

Great so I had to come back this way anyway.

So until next time, if you don’t have any Poke-balls play with somebody else’s! Goodbye!


To be continued………

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Pokémon™ is owned by Nintendo, Creatures Inc. and Game Freak Inc.




Black 2 Part 11: The Return of the Time Pigeons

Mistralton City

Stood opposite me was the famous Professor Juniper, “I want to congratulate you on your journey Elm Jr, it’s good to finally meet you in person!”
“You!” “I yelled, “You did this to me! I was happily confined to my little house! But then you had to come along and force me on this stupid journey! Why? And how did you communicate with me via my dreams? Answer me women!”
“Here that this,” she said ignoring me with a vacant expression, she handed me a powerful looking Pokeball.
“Thanks but I have lots of these already.”
“That there is a Master Ball! It will catch any Pokémon without fail!”
“Oh, well thanks.”
“Use it wisely; it’s very rare and valuable.”
“Then how did you get one?”
“Professor, are you doing okay?” A tall girl, with red pigtails and wearing a blue leotard approached us.
“Hello Skyla,” said the Professor, “Elm this is Skyla the Gym Leader, she’s the one who gave me a lift here via her plane.”
“And I can give you a lift to if you want,” Skyla said smiling at me.
“Right I’m off to visit the Calestial Tower,” said Juniper, “I’ll see you later Elm.” We watched as Professor Juniper walked off.
“Well as I see it you have two choices” said Skyla, “battle me at my Gym or follow the Professor first and do some training. See you.” Then she also left. As much as I wanted to just battle the gym and get it over with, I did really need the experience. Looked like I was going to the tower then, but first I would explore this city.

I found the airport Skyla was talking about, but apparently I couldn’t fly without permission from the Gym Leader. What is this? Why can’t I just buy a ticket? Is this Skyla some-kind of dictator of the sky’s?
Instead of flying from the airport I decided to snoop around the runways and hangers. There I found a TM for Sky Drop. This was lucky for me as there was a crazy girl who gives you drugs if you show here TMs. I know, I know, but they have to find some excuse to make you come back and play every day. This girl also has an iron in the bin, good for her! Throwing away the symbols of male suppression! Either that or she’s just brought a new one, either way I’m keeping this one.

At the bottom of the main runway was a farm where they grew crops. What kind of airport was this? There was no security, no procedures, no tickets, no waiting room, a farm land built on it and people are allowed to freely roam across the airfield. Looked like my next mission was to inform the Transport Minister. But then even he wasn’t doing a great job. There were roads everywhere in this region, full of traffic and yet I still have to walk on the little dirt roads beneath. Why not install a bus service or taxi system. I mean we live in a world where we can heal dying creatures in a matter of seconds yet can’t design an effective transport system?
Anyway, enough of this, I was now off towards Route 7 and the Calestial Tower.

Oh I also dropped the Zouras off somewhere, can’t remember exactly. Probably a skip or something.

Route 7

Right then! Some new grass, really, really long grass for that matter. Who knows what giant beasts would be hiding in here? I stepped into the grass and was met by a heavily light, for stood before me was the evolved form of Pidove, a Tranquill. I caught her and discovered that this was no ordinary Tranquill. She was the daughter of Doctor Coo, the last of the Time Pigeons. She had travelled between dimensions to assist us in our quest. Not for me, she hated me. I was the one who had led to her father being killed. No she did it for her father, for if I failed his death would have been in vain. I welcome you Doctor Coo Jr, I hope you will be a shining example of awesome just as your father was.

Wait… wasn’t as cold anymore and the snow was melting. It was Spring! Winter was finally over and now I might actually start to enjoy myself a bit more. Wait does that mean I missed Christmas?

The usual Route antics occurred as I made my way to the tower, trainer battles, wild Pokémon encounters etc. I did have a rotation battle against a Stoutland and two Deerling, Ember would have killed them all if the Stoutland had not used Roar and swapped him for Weedlpie. Needless to say he devoured them all. His team mates Litterman and Maid Moist weren’t even needed.
There was also an annoying breeder here, who I had to battle each time we past. I’d already battled him twice by this point.

I came upon a random house here in the middle of nowhere, inside an overweight Hiker wanted an Emolga and wanted to give me his Gigalith for one. I had no idea what a Gigalith was, but with a name like that it’s hard not to want one. He had a wife who had to Cottonee running around her, I could swear I’ve already met somebody like this.

Came up against a Triple Battle against 2 Ducklett and a Unfezant, it was up to Litterman, Maid Moist and Ember. Needless to say we won. Went back to the nearest Center to heal my team afterwards though, Forgetting about that blasted Breeder again.

My phone started ringing as I neared the tower; I answered it surprised to see that it was actually my mom calling me.
“Hi Elm are you doing okay?”
“Yes mom I’m fine,” I said both annoyed and relieved that she decided to call me.
“Well don’t forget to use the Poke Center whenever you can!” And with that she hung up……weird.
It then started raining, like really badly. Lucky for me off in the distance was a little house where I could take shelter, inside an old man showed me pictures of the 3 legendary Thunder Pokémon. I won’t waste time naming them as I doubt I’ll ever come across them in my journey, but I suppose it did explain why it was always raining.

Once the rain stopped I continued my quest to Calestial Tower, one trainer had a Deerling that nearly killed both Ember and Little Nikalum. Man! Were those cute little dears dangerous?
Then after defeating a wild Tranquil something wonderful started to happen to Maid Moist, she began evolving. Suddenly she was a beautiful, Swan like creature called Swanna. Despite her beautiful looks she was still just as timid with the boys as ever, only difference was that her and Ember had started to envy each other, with Moist jelly towards Embers confidence and Ember jelly of Moist’s looks. They were still good friends regardless though, and yes I did just use the term ‘jelly’ twice as an abbreviation of the word jealous.

A little further down the road I met a teacher who had lost one of her students, for punishment of this total lack of competence I Murdered all of her Pokémon with Nikalum. Then a little further from her I found the missing child and killed all of her Pokémon as well as punishment for disobeying her teacher.
Then something amazing started happening to Nikalum, he evolved into a giant thunder tarantula called Galvantula. He was a bit big to sit on my shoulder now so instead he just walked a long side me as I still thought he was awesome. In fact sometimes when I was board I rode on his back like a pony. Suddenly people were deadly scared of me and fled whenever I came there way screaming (one guy even went insane.) Honestly used think they’d never seen a child riding on a giant spider before.

Riding my Nikalum, at last, we came across the large, spooky, Clay tower called Calestial Tower. We entered.

Calestial Tower

This was the place where trainers came to lay there dead Pokémon. This was strange as until this point I had been releasing mine to the great Pokémon nether world. But I suppose each has their own ways and rituals involving the dead. Needless to say me and my team had probably been responsible for a lot of the Pokémon buried here so I suggested that we approach this challenge with caution.
“Hello Elm,” it was the Professor, “have you come to pay your respects?”
“No actually I came to get a bit more experience.”
“Well if I were you then, I would climb to the top of this place and investigate the large bell on the top of the tower. It is said the sound of that bell pleases the Pokémon spirits. It’ll be good training and sightseeing at the same time.” She then handed me a weird egg “take this Lucky Egg, if a Pokémon holds it it’ll gain even more experience.”
“Thanks,” I said taking it.
“I shall remain here researching Ghost Pokémon until you get your 6th Badge. Good luck.”

Well then it looked as if I was climbing this haunted tower of death. I came upon a ghostly apparition that turned out to be a little, haunted candle Pokémon called Litwick. She was so cute, so I caught her and swapped her with Doctor Coo Jr. Being put in the box just made Doctor Coo Jr hate me even more, but I really needed the type coverage.
I named the Litwick Wax On. Welcome to the team Wax On.

There were a lot of angry trainers here all from a surprisingly diverse trainer pallet. I came upon Psychics, Hikers, School Kids, Teachers and Poke-fans, but then I guess everyone was entitled to morn there dead buddies. And what’s a better way for someone to get over a dead pet then having someone kill even more of them!
One of the Psychics had a really cool Psychic cat called Espeon, dispute it being 5 levels higher, Wax on managed to defeat it. I expected great things from her.
Then another Psychic was all, “I am here to understand the end of your world.”
“I’ll destroy your world!” I screamed as we battled. A battle which was bitter sweet as I sadly lost little Wax On; I guess after it beat that Espeon I thought it was invincible. I’m sorry little buddy, I failed you. However dispute losing Wax On, the fact that Litterman finally evolved into a Garbodor almost made up for it. Oh who am I kidding; it totally made up for it! He was no longer a little trash bag, but an actually living landfill, mound of living rubbish. Disgusting but awesome.

I returned to the Center to lay Wax On to rest and bring back Doctor Coo Jr, I apologised many a time but she wasn’t having it.
But just before I released Wax On I noticed something. He had the very rare Poke-Russ disease. This was something I had never come across before in my life! So I used him to give anyone on my team the virus (it boosts stats) and then instead of releasing him I gave him up to the Global Trade Network so other trainers from around the world could take advantage of it.
You may have only been around for a short while, but hopefully your legacy will live on for generations Wax On.

Back at the tower I now found myself battling a lot of old people, near the top. Dr Coo Jr got so much experience that she then evolved into a Unfezant. What is this? You spent ages waiting for one evolution and you get 4 at once! Unfezant, was a lot like Tranquil only bigger, more elegant and with a longer neck.

I made it to the top of the tower and rang the bell……nothing happened. Well that was anti -climatic, guess I’ll just head back to Route 7 and train for a bit.

Route 7

Grinding time! At least that what I would normally say at this point, but it seems as though there was more of this route for me to explore. And explore I did.
I battled a trainer with an evolved Zubat called Golbat, it nearly killed Ember. I needed to be more careful with her, later discovered that Ember was being weakened by the heavy rainfall so it looked like I’d be doing without her for a while. This was a shame as I believe she would have been really useful in a double battle I had against two Pokémon call Zangoose and Seviper (based on the mongoose and the Viper.)
I made it to the base of a place called Twist Mountain where a big, strong muscle guy called Marshal was waiting. He told me that he was one of the Elite Four and amongst the strongest trainers in the world. He then told me I couldn’t pass this way as a tunnel had collapsed meaning it was impossible for anyone to enter the mountain.
If he’s one of the best trainers in the world answer me this, why was he standing outside a mountain informing trainers the way as closed? Couldn’t a sign have done the job? I guess he must have just been bored.
With nothing else to do I headed back to Mistralton City to tackle the gym.

Mistralton Gym

Upon entering the gym a gust of heavy wind was blown into my face and something heavy collided with me. I was surprised to see that it was the Shady Guy.
“Wow thanks Champ;” he said picking me off the floor, “I was sure I was going to be smashed against the wall then.”
“Don’t mention it,” I said “what’s the gimmick with this place then?”
“The whole place is a massive wind tunnel, and the only way to avoid being blown back like I was, is to hide behind these little barriers that have been set up whenever you feel a gust coming.”
“Oh fantastic,” I sad grinning, “More pointless obstacles.”
“Don’t forget your water!” I gladly took his water and began battling my way against both the wind and trainers. Speaking of which, all the trainers here were professional pilots, they only used Flying type Pokémon (guess what this gyms signature type is?) I would usually be pretty pedantic here and ask why they aren’t busy flying planes. But them when you consider that there was only one plane on the runway, it kind of makes sense. During my time battling Weedlpie learnt Leaf Blade and Ember learnt Lava Plume. Both of these were really cool moves.

At long last I came upon Skyla sitting at the back of the gym pretending that she enjoyed being pelted with wind every few seconds. (I could just tell she was freezing her little booty off.)
“Hi Elm how was the Professor?” She asked when I approached.
“As well as someone who spends all day in a grave yard could be I suppose.”
“Well I’m really looking forward to our battle anyway.” And with that we battled, no stupid taunts, no long winded speech, nothing. It actually felt like I was battling a really human being for once.
1st up was her Swoobat VS my Ember. I started with a Thunder Punch which did a good deal of damage; however her Swobat used the move Acrobatics and nearly destroyed my Ember in a single swift move. Ember barely managed to hold on, but lucky for me her Swoobat got burnt. So from here I just kept healing Ember with Hyper Potions every turn until the burn got too much for Swoobat and it fainted. Yeah I know it’s pretty lame but if it works I’m not complaining.
Next she sent out her Swanna, I sent out Nikalum who used the move I had learnt from Elesa, Bolt Switch. It was a one hit K.O as Swanna was cooked to death. Then because of Volt Switches ability I used it to swap to Ember, just in time for Skyla’s Skarmory; a huge, scary, metal bird of prey. Luckily Steel was weak against Fire and guess who just leant Lava Plume?
The metal bird was covered in boiling Lava, but annoyingly it had the sturdy ability. Ember used Fire Punch and BLAM! Gym battle over! Another flawless victory! Skyla then gave me a Jet Badge, a TM for Acrobatics and took me with her, as the Professor had just returned and was waiting for us at the airport.
But that’s a story for next time.

To be continued…….

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Pokémon™ is owned by Nintendo, Creatures Inc. and Game Freak Inc.


Fire Red Part 11: the Big Boss

Route 18

This was a cycle route, so I needed my bike in order to access this area. Only problem is that this whole Route was up hill. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste all those precious carbs I’d just ingested.

Before I tackled the mighty hill, there was a little patch of grass here with a group of bird trainers in deep conversation (something about seeds.) I quickly defeated all there Pokémon, including some weird looking bird thing called Doduo, which had two heads for some reason.
I then proceeded to look for a new team mate, what I found was a Raticate! Oh Nibbils. I really did not wish to insult the memory of one of my friends, but at the same time I really needed somebody to learn Cut. That way I’d be able to get rid of the horrible murderer taking up a space on my team.
In another world I may have started to feel sorry for Jessie, I mean she didn’t know what she was doing at the time. And now everything is so much stronger than her, she now just hides and cowers from everything. To which I say GOOD! Steal my Alien from me will you! I hope you suffer!
What…oh right the Raticate. Sadly Jackie Chan killed it with a match punch. Shame. But then I guess it would have been a little insulting to Nibbils to replace him so early.

Now I decided to tackle the big hill. One heart attack latter I was rushed via helicopter to Caledon hospital, there I underwent an intensive three month recovery program in order to get me on my feet again. In that time all of my Pokémon had to get jobs in order to pay for my hospital bills (free health care for Pokémon, not people in Kanto it seems.)

Route 17

Once I was recovered I decided to tackle the cycle Route again, except this time I did so by going downhill as opposed to uphill. But then I’d forgotten about the huge sleeping Snorlax blocking my route. I woke it up using the Poke flute and battled it with my Snorlax, Fat Matt 2. Once it was weakened I threw my Ultra Ball at it and once it was caught I named him Laxative. Now I had a replacement Snorlax if ever Fat Matt 2 went to the great buffet in the sky.

Route 18

Well I was at the top of the hill now, it was such a shame that the Hells Angels were here waiting for me. All of them with really annoying poison types including another horrible Weezing which poisoned everyone. Great, now I remembered why I didn’t want to do this anymore.

Once the Hells Angels had been dealt it with it was time to go down the hill. Wheeeeeeeee!!!! The wind in my hair, cooling the sweat patches under my arms, oh it was fun. That was until I crashed into another member of the Hells Angels, oh kind sir! Please don’t rape me!
The Hells Angel challenged me to a Pokémon battle, at the end of which Fat Matt 2 had only 12 hp remaining. Phew.

At the bottom of the hill I just realised that this area was a total waste of my time. But then I suppose I did catch another Snorlax and got some experience. I entered the grass down here and came across another Raticate. Oh great Pokémon gods, why do you taunt me so. I miss my poor Nibbils enough as it is. But then again, I don’t miss him quite as much as Jeff. Oh Jeff…..excuse me I need a moment……

Saffron City

This town was still under siege by the Rockets. Right I was sick of this; I was going to find the source of these villains and drive them out of Saffron once and for all!
I discovered that the reason that the Rockets had such a firm hold on this city was because they had taken control of the Silph Co building in the centre of the town.
Right them, it was time to save the town from a terrorist group, don’t bother with the swat teams, people of Saffron. Because a small, over weight child who throws small metals balls at people is here to save you

Silph Co Building.

I found myself in a large, empty, reception area. Strange, I thought, there was no sign of the Rockets here. I moved towards the stairs and climbed up to the next floor. And there were the Rockets. Lots and lots of Rockets.
“Oh hell! It’s that kid again!” They screamed.
“Right! This time we won’t let him intimidate us with legal red tape!”
“Yeah! I mean we practically own this town now! We are the law!”
“Let’s get him!”
And thus I was then thrown in to a horrible maze, of office cubicles, locked rooms, elevators and Team Rocket Grunts. To make matters even worse, a number of Silph Co researchers had decided to join the Rockets. Meaning that I had even more of these idiots to battle.
Jackie Chan was nearly killed by a self-destructing Volturb (that’s twice that’s happened now) and Kill Wanker finally learnt a fire move (Fire Spin) it was very weak, but at least it actually matched up to his type.

“Are you here to help us?” Asked one of the frightened people working here after Kill Wanker obliterated one of the Rockets teams.
No not really, I’m really just doing this to help myself, anybody else I save though I suppose is an added bonus.
Most of the doors here were locked by some magnetic system. I was told by one of the scientists, who had gone over to the Rockets side, that I needed a special key to open them and that one of the head Rocket grunts had it.
So by that logic only one person could open these doors? And so every person hidden behind them has been locked in, even the grunts. Wow Team Rocket has gotten really cruel.
It didn’t take me long to find this head grunt on account of him saying “I’m a Rocket head grunt!” Upon meeting him. Was he any more difficult than the others? Well, he had a Golbat unsteady of a Zubat, which was a bigger version of Zubat with eyes. But asides from that he was pretty weak.
After defeating him he then (for some reason) dropped his key on the floor.
“Oh no I dropped the key!” We both just stood staring at it for a while. Before I asked him if he was going to pick it up.
“Well, if you think that I should! But, well it’s all the way down there! If only a young strapping lad could bend down and get it for me.” I had Blue Thing downed him.

I was now able to use the key to access other parts of this building where people could kill me. It was business as normal until I opened one door and came upon a juggler. A juggler? Why the heck was there a juggler here? I asked him.
“Well you see Team Rocket are quite paschal to a bit of entertainment so I follow them, providing them with juggling shows and stuff. Are you a friend of the Rockets?”
I told him I mostly just launch forms at them.
“In that case I’m afraid you will have to die,” he then sent out a strange, almost human looking, mime Pokémon called Mr Mime.
It then started dancing and making walls out of air. It was pretty awesome, such a shame that Kill Wanker had to Hyper Beam it.

I was getting close to the top of this place; I could feel it when I heard a voice.
“Well if it isn’t Fat Matt!” Wanker! What could he be doing here at the Silph Co building?
“I saw you earlier and decided to follow you. What are you doing taking on the Rockets? I guess there the only group of people who are more pathetic then you!”
Oh I hated this man; luckily this was the moment that I had been training Kill Wanker for.
“Anyway I decided that killing your Pikachu and Diglett wasn’t enough to avenge my Raticate. So here I am to finish the rest of you off. Come on Fat Matt; let’s see if you’ve gotten any stronger!”
The monster! This is for you Jeff! It’s always been for you! Oh and you too Turd and Hard Arms, (bet you forgot about him.)
First up, as usual, it was Pidgeot VS Pidgeot, with my Wolvo Rat taking down and destroying his with its Fly attack. Then came his Kadabra, only this time it had evolved into a superior Alakazam. It was taller and slimmer now, with a larger moustache and brandishing two spoons instead of one. I knew that this thing had a high attack, yet low defence so I quickly had Wolvo Rat dive bomb the thing with Fly. Lucky for me it was too busy raising its stats so it died instantly.
“Think you’re pretty good don’t you Fat Matt? We’ll check out my new Pokémon!”
I was a little worried by the revelation of a new Pokémon, but found myself holding back laughter when I discovered it to be little more than a basic Growltihe.
I switched to Fat Matt 2 and had him crush it with his might girth.
“Try standing next to your Snorlax Matt! It makes it look thinner by comparison!” Wanker taunted angrily.
Next came the giant serpent, and one of Wankers best Pokémon, Gyarados. Lucky for me I had Jackie Chan to switch to, who Thunder Punched it straight back to hell with its 4 times weakness to Electric.
Finally, Wanker sent out his ultimate, starter, zombie Pokémon. Only now it had evolved into a Venusaur.
“You can’t stop my sleep powder Fat Matt,” maybe I couldn’t but my Fat Matt 2 could. Once asleep he used his Snore move to whittle down the creatures health. Took an awful lot of Moo Moo Milk to keep him alive though.
“No way!” Screamed Wanker, “how do you beat me every time?” Because I have lots of potions my friend.
“It doesn’t matter; you’ll still be beaten by the Boss of Team Rocket. Smell you later!” And with that Wanker left to bring his creatures back to life. It wasn’t until later I realised that Kill Wanker wasn’t used once in that battle?

“Excuse me; will you please look after this Lapras for me?” I said no as I already acquired Jackie Chan from this city.
Right up to the Rocket Boss I go!

I found a lot more performance enhancing drugs here; I fed them all too Fat Matt 2. If ever the Pokémon League ran a drugs test I’m screwed. With all the junk of been feeding Fat Matt and Blue Thing. I guess I’ll just replace there urine samples with Kill Wankers.

After climbing all those stairs I bet I was 2 stone lighter. I was mentally preparing myself for my battle with the Boss. Then after beating him I shall become the Big Boss and form my own army outside of Team Rocket. And then I will take part in a cloning process and have 3 sons of my own. Two of them will be twins and they will grow up rivals and fight each other. Possible on top of a 100 ton War Machine. Then one of them will die from some form of heart attack, only to come back as LIQUIDS ARM!?!
But before that I’ll have to beat the boss. I entered into the large office situated here on the top floor.
“Well if it isn’t Fat Matt!” I was shocked! It was the Casino Owner! He was the one responsible for all of this? Behind him the head of Silph Co, an old portly gentleman, was looking particular scared and worried.
“I was just discussing some important business details with the head of Silph Co here,” he said menacingly.
But I was confused, why had this man not been arrested by trading standards for multiple health and safety and fire code regulations hazards and violations? And where was the real boss? Because I have a future which I just planned out climbing the stairs, which in no way resembled Metal Gear Solid.
“I am the Boss Fat Matt, and I’m sad to say that I can no longer allow you to continue pestering my organisation! Law suits or no law suits!” He sent out his first Pokémon an armour plated ryno called Rhyhorn, Blue Thing killed it. Then he sent out a Nidorino, Blue Thing killed it. He followed that with a large Kangaroo, bear thing called Kangaskhan, Fat Matt 2 killed it. He ended with a large blue monster which was the queen of the Nidos, called Nidoqueen. Fat Matt 2 killed it……..well that was easy.
“Blast! Beaten by this kid again! How can this be so?” I asked him if he had signed in a reception and acquired a visitor’s pass. He said he had not, in which case I informed him that he was trespassing and would have to vacate the premise.
“Fine! I’m leaving. Curse you kid! Curse you and all your Red Tape! But mark my words Team Rocket will rise again!” And with that Team Rocket left Silph Co and Saffron for good. In fact I didn’t see much of Team Rocket after this. I guess that Trading Standards must have finally caught up with them, either way it kind of made me sad. I had spent so long hassling the guys I kind of began to feel bad about it. I mean they weren’t the most Competent of organisations, in fact one could argue they were, downright a disgrace to organised crime. But in the end they had managed to single handily capture a whole city……only to be defeated by a small child.

Anyway, the head of the company was so happy he gave me a Master Ball. A Pokeball that can catch anything without fail. Great! Can’t wait until I waste it on a Rattata.
Anyway with Rocket gone the gym was now finally open so I left Silph Co, healed my team and headed for my 6th badge.

Saffron Gym

The gym was very strange, it was all weird and out of this worldly. I did not like it. Plus it was made up of hundreds of tiny rooms, each one without an entrance. The only way in was to step on these annoying panels, that by some evil magic warp up you too another room.
I stepped on the first one and was warped straight into an ambush by a crazy magic guy and his Slowbro. Think of a Slowpoke only with a crazy shell on its tail.
I spent a good while lost in this place, being ambushed by magic men. To be honest the gym was actually fairly easy in a battling sense of things. Jessie evolved into a Persian. A big, strong, looking feline on all fours. I still refused to use her.
In the end I just ended up using Fat Matt 2 to bowl over this gym, metaphorically and physically. He was so psyched up on Drugs it was awesome; I was really starting to like this guy dispute him blocking my progress throughout the first half of my adventure. I loved him, but not as much as I had loved my Jeff.

Eventually I found Sabrina; she was a scary, but pretty young lady with incredible Psychic powers.
“I knew you were coming,” gasp, I thought her powers are beyond comparison, “I heard your large, clumsy footsteps pounding around my gym. That and the screams of dying Pokémon. Let us battle.”
I’ll give you a low down of the battle. 1st up was a Kadabra, Fat Matt 2 used Body Slam and flattened it.
2nd was a Mr Mime, Fat Matt 2 used Body Slam and flattened it.
3rd was a Venomoth, Fat Matt 2 used Body Slam and flattened it.
And finally Sabrina used an Alakakzam. Come guys say it with me, Fat Matt used Body Slam and flattened it.
I’ll admit, it wasn’t the most exciting of Gym matches, but then I had given Fat Matt all those Carbos so his speed was incredibly high. Quite frankly I’m preety certain he was now invincible.
“Well,” said Sabrina stunned, “I’ll admit I didn’t see that coming. Okay fine here’s your badge and TM. Now leave me to wipe my beloved Pokémon off the floor.”
Well that was a fun if slightly uneventful week, I now just need to figure out how to Surf so I can make my way to the next Gym. I left the gym, hoped on my bike and started visiting every town and settlement, talking to as many strangers as possible until I found out. Until next time…..

To be continued……..

Bulbapedia entries for all new Pokémon

Pokémon™ is owned by Nintendo, Creatures Inc. and Game Freak Inc.


Black 2 Part 10: Team Plasma’s Sweet Ride

Chargestone Cave

Well here we are again; now back in this strange blue and glittering cave, which is charged with electricity.
We proceeded to make our way through this cave battling trainers and wild Pokémon alike, one of the trainers we came up against was a girl covered in tattoos playing an electric guitar. She had an Emolga but it was no match for my Litterman who dominated it using his toxic moves.
“Wow your one strange kid,” she stated after the battle. Me? Strange? Says the girl playing an electric guitar, without an amp, in a cave on her own.

The Wild Pokémon here were actually rather cool, asides from Joltik there were some Klink here too. However I nearly lost little Emofo to these things, so it was best to keep Ember at the front for the time.

After a time I stumbled upon a large Chasm, the only way across it was a single, wooden Bridge which was being guarded by a builder and Bianca.
“Hi Elm Jr,” she said I approached “it looks like the bridge is under construction; we can’t go this way yet.”
“Oh,” I grunted disappointed, “then where do you suggest I go?”
“Well,” said the builder, “why don’t you go and checkout the Pokémon Tournament in Driftview. I’ve heard some good things about that place.
……I was stunned. Here I was thinking that I could get away with ignoring the tournament. But no. I HAD TO DO IT!!! I HAD TO DO MORE STUPID TUTORIALS!!! AND LISTEN TOO MORE STUPID DIALOGUE!!!! GWAHHHHHHH……….

Pokémon World Tournament

One tantrum latter I was back at this place, I entered through the main doors of the stadium and was met by an old couple who can teach starter Pokémon the ultimate move, Oh Lord Tibbs, how we needed you now.
I walked up to the counter and signed up for the League, turns out that everyone else was already inside waiting for me.

Well here I was the Pokémon World Tournament, I was put on the League table and matched up with my first opponent. It was Dumb Ass. We both walked on from opposite sides of the stage as a crowd of thousands cheered us on. Fireworks went off with each step we took until we both met in the middle. (This things really been hyped up.)
I battled Dumb Ass using Ember, Timmy and Weedlpie. We won easily enough and moved up to the next round, our next opponent was Cheren. Ember single handily kicked his ass.
Because we beat Cheren now meant that I moved on to the tournament’s final round, I was surprised to see that my opponent was that annoying scientist guy from earlier called Corless. We met in the centre of the stage and Ember proceeded to kill all of his steel Pokémon.
There. It was done. We had won the Tournament.

“I can’t believe I was beaten by a couple of Runts!” Said Clay once the Tournament had finished. We were stood in the stadiums reception.
“Hey it was Elm Jr who beat you, not me!” Said Dumb Ass, “he a real champ! What did you win buddy.”
“Some pointless things called Battle Points,” I said dishearten, “I got three of them, all I need to do now in win about another hundred tournaments before I can actually buy something with them!”
Then a familiar face approached us, it was the Gym leader Roxie.
“Hi Elm, hi Dumb Ass. Is it too late to enter the Tournament?” She asked eagerly stroking the neck of her guitar (don’t ask.)
“You just missed the last one,” said Clay “but if you hurry you can quickly sign up and enter the next one.”
“Awesome!” She then ran off towards the registration desk, Clay then started laughing uncontrollably.
“Ha ha! Thanks to you kids’ interest seems to be coming back to the tourney. Do you guys have any idea how much money this will make me, thanks guys,”…..jackass.

A short while later myself, Dumb Ass and Cheren were stood outside the stadium.
“I’m gonna keep battling and get even stronger!” Gloated Dumb Ass, “I’m going to renter the tournament and gain more experience.”
“That’s great Dumb Ass,” I said “but you can’t gain experience from the tournament.”
“Wow you two did great out there,” said Cheren “I can barely recognise you guys since our first gym battle.”
“That’s because it took place in a different dimension.”
“Never mine,” I said dismissively, “anyway what do you mean we both did great? Dumb Ass lost in the first round!”
At that moment a guy in a Team Plasma suit came running past.
“TEAM PLASMA!” Yelled Dumb Ass “where are you going? Come back here!” And with that Dumb Ass ran after him. Jeez he’s like a dog chasing cars.
Well looked like I was chasing after him, but not before that boring Corless guy walked out of the stadium and started some pointless speech. Yeah, yeah, strength, trainers blah blah. Not important, now stop interrupting us. After Corless had gone I decided to see where Dumb Ass had gotten to.

I followed Dumb Ass all the way to Driftview’s docks. I wasn’t to surprise to see the big pirate ship we’d seen at Castellia was docked here.
“What’s this ship?” Asked Dumb Ass.
“Oh I have no idea,” I said sarcastically “maybe we should take a look?”

Team Plasmas Ship

“Gasp, it’s Team Plasmas!” Said Dumb Ass as we boarded.
“What??? No way???” As I’d said before, there is a reason why he’s called Dumb Ass. But regardless I was a little suspicious of this place. It was really cold here for some reason.
“Hey what are these kids doing here?” I turned and saw to my horror a whole army of Plasma grunts marching towards us.
“I know that guy!” Said one pointing at Dumb Ass, “he punched me in the face earlier!”
“Give me back my sister Purloin!” He screamed.
“Can someone just defeat these simpletons so we can go on our way?” Suddenly the cool music started playing again and some guys charged Dumb Ass with their Pokémon.
I was just about to leave when one of them jumped me, “its Trubbish time!” He screamed as he unleashed his Pokémon. I hate to admit it, but that was the best battle cry ever.

I fought off a number of Plasma grunts using no one but Emofo and then I just left…..yeah. Screw it. Emofo is weak and I needed to visit the nearest Center. Dumb Ass can handle this by himself for a while.

When I returned from my break I found that Cheren had also joined the fight, cool. I decided to help back him up with Emofo because I actually liked this character.
Emofo found herself up against a Scraggy; I knew that her Psychic moves were useless against its Dark typing so I switched her out. Only to my horror to watch as the thing used the move Pursuit. I thought this was the end, but luckily Emofo held on.
Enraged by the attack made against his wife Timmy rose up and crushed its skull with a pillar of concrete.
And then to my and Timmy’s delight Emofo evolved, into a Gothorita, now she looked more like a moody, gothic teenager, as opposed to a moody, gothic child. At least Timmy probably felt a little less perverted now…….a little.
“Elm Jr!” Called Cheren, “thanks! But now you need to help Dumb Ass! I can hold these guys!” I turned and saw a stupid Afro bobbing in a sea of Plasma screaming “Purlion!” *sign. “Fine, I’ll help the idiot out,” I said reluctantly. At least it gave me a chance to try out my newly evolved Emofo.

After many more battles we were worn out, tried but still undefeated, “what’s with these kids?” asked one of the Grunts, “this is just like 2 years ago.”
“Where’s Purlion?” Demanded Dumb Ass, the blood of a thousand Scraggy’s dripping off his chin.
“What is all this commotion?” An old man in a very heavy duffle coat and pope hat said as he parted the crowd of Plasma grunts.
“It’s these kids Lord Zinzolin! There killing all our Pokémon!”
“It matters not! We have the Legendary Pokémon now! And we will use it to take over the world!” He started laughing manically, “Shadow Triad! Get rid of these pests!” Then before we knew it the three of us were grabbed by a number of teleporting Ninjas and thrown overboard.

Pokémon World Tournament

“No!” Screamed Dumb Ass as the ship sailed away. “I was so close!” He then ran off screaming.
“Will he be okay?” Asked Cheren.
“I think it’s been a while since he’s resembled anything close to okay.”
“Still it makes me wonder,” said Cheren ignoring me “what did Zinzolin mean about the legendary Pokémon? I mean, the two Legendary Pokémon left this region two years ago.” He turned to face me “Elm I’m off to the Weather Station on Route 6, there’s something I need to know. Get cleaned and healed up and I’ll meet you there.” Great I thought, more plot.

Route 6

I decided to make good on Cherens offer (and by offer I mean orders) and met him at the Weather Station.
“Look at this,” he said pointing at a screen that’s resolution was so low I could only make out two yellow blips. “It’s as I thought, the temperature in all major cities appears to be dropping.”
“And whys that important?”
“I’m not sure, but do you remember how cold it was on Plasmas Ship? I’m sure the two are linked together. Anyway Elm I’m sorry for slowing you down,” he said apologetically, “here
Take this. It’s the TM for Surf. I believe it will help you out.”
I thanked him and taught Surf to the timid Maid Moist.

A little further down this Route I came across a rare Emolga. Why could this not have been the first Pokémon I’d found in this area? Instead I found that useless bug thing. To make it even more insulting it nearly killed poor Litterman. I hate this place.

Then just as I was about to cross a small wooden bridge, a huge, blue monster on all fours came bounding out of the grass. This thing looked absolutely brutal, with a large horn and cold eyes. It took one look at me then fled further down this Route. I stood stunned for a moment at the majesty of this beast.
“What you gave just witnessed was the Legendary Pokémon Cobalion,” I turned and saw Rood and an Old Man approaching.
“How do you people always know where to find me?” I asked irritated.
“That Pokémon,” started the Old Man “was one of the three Legendary Pokémon who once battled against man for the sake of all Pokémon.”
“And who the hell is this?” I demanded, pointing at the old man.
“I think that Cobalion wants you to team up with it to defeat Team Plasma.” Said Rood.
“But aren’t you Team Plasma?”
“I mean the bad Team Plasma.”
“Wait,” I turned to the old man “did you say these three waged a war against man kind?”
“That is correct.”
“Well if that’s the case I’m off to kill the things! Can’t have Pokémon disrespecting people like that.”
“No you miss understand-”
“Don’t worry Rood and random old dude, I shall save us from these beasts,” I them began pursuing the beast.

I saw a cave beyond the river and decided to ride on my tiny Maid Moist using Surf to get to it; ever imagined a human being riding on a small baby duck? Well the trainers on Route 6 didn’t have to.

Mistralton Cave

This cave was really dark so I had the Destroyer of Worlds learn flash so we could see. Oh Weedlpie, is there anything you can’t do?
Man I had gotten distracted on my quest, still who knows maybe I can find a cool new Pokémon here.
I found a dusk ball behind some rocks and a cool new Mon. It was a Boldore, a bundle of stones that had formed together into some kind of crab creature. Shame Litterman killed it, but at least he levelled up.

I then came upon another interesting wild creature, it was a cute, tiny little green dragon called Axew. I started battling this thing with Emofo; the little Axew used a move called Dragon Claw and sliced Emofo in half with a critical hit.
“No!” I screamed “not Emofo!!!! She just evolved!!! You little Monster!!”
Then out came Timmy, seeing his wife’s bloody two halves and crimson book collection he yelled out in rage. But sadly he seemed he was too distracted and thus not quick enough to attack. He took a Dragon Claw right to the chest, but his defence was strong and he responded by throwing a huge collection of rocks at the little Dragon. The little dude was badly hurt, but still held on. It then swiped another Dragon Claw at Timmy’s throat. Critical Hit! Timmy’s throat was slit clean open, and he slowly bleed to death next what remained of his wife.
“NOOO!!! DONT YOU TAKE MY TIMMY!!!” Out came Litterman. Another Dragon Claw was thrown at it; Litterman was badly wounded but held on with 2HP. It used its Venno Shock move to Poison and kill the little terrorist once and for all. Once again it seemed that Litterman, the guy I once held as my weakest Pokémon, had avenged a team mate. Oh the irony.
But it would not matter how many Pokémon Litterman killed, for it was that both Timmy and his loving Wife Emofo now lay dead in this cave. I had lost my two best Pokémon in a single battle. I was starting to realise that this challenge was not the walk in the park I’d taken it for.
We all wanted to hold a funeral for our fallen comrades, but at the same time we all wanted to finish what we were doing in this cave.

We found a TM for Rockslide, which was useless now as Timmy was dead and an old man.
“Well hello trainer, a legendary Pokémon used to live in this cave. But he is gone now.” And that was it. That is what was in this cave. A TM and an old man.
I had lost two of my best Pokémon for a TM and an old man………………..screw this universe.
Then suddenly we came across another Axew. We then all fled this cave of death as quickly as we could, grabbing the bodies of Timmy and Emofo before we left.


Good bye Timmy, you were the biggest and strongest member of our crew. The adventures ahead would be much more difficult without you.
And good bye Emofo, our Psychic powerhouse who was cut down in her prime. We all watched tears eyed as they were released into Pokémon heaven.

Replacement time. Timmy was replaced by Nikalum the Joltik and Emofo the Zoruas given to me by Rood. Well at least I had gotten my wish, Nikalum was now a member of this team, but at what price though?
As it currently stood the team was as follows. Weedlpie the destroyer of Worlds, Ember the flaming Magmar, Trubbish the not-so-rubbish, Maid Moist, the timid and boy-shy duckling, Joltik, a tiny lightening spider and Zoruas, the shape shifting fox. I’ll admit it’s a bit of a drastic change then when we first got to Driftview. Little did I know that my team would never again feel as comfortable as it did before we reached this city. I don’t know why but the team of Lord Tibbs, Weedlpie, Timmy, Ember, Emofo and Litterman just felt right. It’s such a shame that in the space of a few hours I’d lost half of them.

ChargeStone Cave

Hey remember this place? I’ve only tried to pass though it like twice already. Well it’s like they say, three times is a charm.
The bridge was now fixed so I could cross the large chasm, as I did so I heard a creepy voice expressing how much they loved it here. It probably has something to do with the plot, but I couldn’t careless by this point.
I sent Zoruas out to battle a Joltik, but weirdly it wasn’t Zoruas but Maid Moist who came out. It was only later that I discovered that Zoruas has an ability to disguise itself as other Pokémon on my team. Interesting but entirely pointless as he was then killed by the Joltik. Well…….he lasted long didn’t he? Only problem was that I now had to drag his dead weight around with me until I got to the other side of this cave. Great. I’m sorry N but your Pokémon sucked!

I soon found myself in the caves lower levels where I met the Nugget Man and the Nugget Boy who were giving out golden Nuggets for free. I imagine that they were down here as some kind of enlightenment quest and were thus giving away all there material possessions.

Now I will admit this is when things really started to get difficult for me. In fact I think that Chargestone may quite possibly be one of the most difficult challenges of my journey and certainly the hardest up until this point.
The problem was that I only had half my team really in any descent state to fight as the others were only newly caught and still very weak. To make matters worse everyone left on my team had a weakness to Rock moves and considering we were in a cave surrounded by Rock types and Hikers that use Rock types, I pretty much considered this place was to become our tomb.
Also I had hardly any evolved Pokémon with the exception of Weedlpie and Ember. Seriously why does everything in Gen 5 evolve so late?

I came across Bianca again; she was telling me all about the Pokémon she was researching down here. I told her my team was dying and would soon join the other fossils here. She just laughed and continued her research.

After a few battles I discovered it was impossible to train Maid Moist down here as she was weak against everything! I HATED THIS PLACE!!!!
I then stumbled upon a Metal Coat, which was heavy and cumbersome so I didn’t wear it and a weird eel Pokémon called Tynamo. It reminded me of the male reproductive cell.

“Hey kid! Want to battle me in a rotation battle?” Asked some slick trainer who called himself a Cool trainer.
“No. Myself and my team are about to be killed by all manner of Electric and Rock Pokémon,” I told him firmly.”
“Well the Joltik on your shoulder says otherwise!” I had recently taken to carrying little Nikalum on my shoulder. He was only a couple of inches big, and I thought he was really cute. Besides I didn’t want any of my other team mates to step on him.
“Alright fine,” I agreed, “if I’m going to die I may as we’ll die in style.” I called upon Maid Moist, her BBF Ember and little Nikalum. The Cool trainer used a bearded dog called Stoutland (evolved Herdier) and large bipedal, sly looking crocodile called Krokorok (evolved Sandile) and a metal, seed-thing called Ferroseed.
This battle actually went surprisingly we’ll considering all that can go wrong up until this point had. I had Maid Moist use a Surf attack to weaken every one of his Pokémon and then had Ember Fire Punch them each to finish them. I did use a lot of Moo Moo Milk however.
“Well done kid,” said the Cool trainer, “now leave me to morn in peace, oh and take that rotting Zoruas with you. The smell distracted me, causing me to lose.” Sure it did.

I came upon another Cool trainer and had one of the most epic battles ever! My level 34 Magmar VS his Level 34 Electabuzz. It was Fire Punch against Thunder Punch, and I’m pleased to say that. Thunder Punch won.

I found a doctor in these caves who healed my team for me whenever I asked him too. Needless to say we soon became good friends.

Eventually, thanks to the doctor we found and the determined nature of my team we finally found the exit to the horrid cave. Good bye ChargeStone, I hope to never pass through you again.

Mistralton City

I was FREE!! FREE!! Free from that horrid cave! And now I was in a very small city consisting of two houses, a Poké-Center and an Airport……not quite sure you’ve earned the title ‘city’ to be honest.
“Hello Elm Jr,” Striding down the road towards me was Her. The one who I saw in my dreams. The one who forced me on this quest. The one, who had been responsible for this truly pointless quest. And I was finally meeting her in person.
“Hello Elm Jr,” she said “I’m Professor Juniper!”

To be continued………

Bulbapedia entries of all new Pokémon

Pokémon™ is owned by Nintendo, Creatures Inc. and Game Freak Inc.


Fire Red Part 10: Snake……..Snake?

Route 12

I was still in high spirits after capturing Fat Matt 2, finally someone who I can stand next to in photographs to make myself look better by comparison (Facebook profile here we come!)
I continued down this Route, navigating the wooden planks, using Nibbils, LIQUIDS ARM!?! And Jackie Chan to defeat fishermen and their Pokémon, it was all good. I saw that there were a few items on distant islands, if only one of my Pokémon knew Surf, then I could get those items.
I then came across a little house on a little island which the planks lead too, inside was a very familiar face.
“Hello young man, I’m the oldest of the Fishing Gurus. Tell me, do you like fishing?”
Yes I agreed, now this old man had to give me Surf! Or at least that what I believed.
Instead he gave me a Super Fishing Rod. I asked if I could use it to teach somebody Surf. He said it couldn’t. I proceeded to beat him with it.

One lawsuit later I was continuing down the collection of wooden planks. Eventually the planks reached the shore; there were fewer fishermen here, but there were other trainers instead. Such as guitar players and bird catcher.
I came up against one of the guitar guys who used the evolved form of that living Pokeball. It was an Electrode.
Ha I gloated, this things is no match for Jackie Chan! But then suddenly the creature started glowing red and self-destructed! No! I screamed! Not Jackie Chan! He was so young, and fresh and awesome, and a bit annoying at times, but still a pretty decent guy if you got to known him! But when the smoke clearly I was pleasantly surprised to see Jackie Chan still standing tall, brushing the smouldering remains of Electrode of his shoulder. Wow! Jackie Chan was a tough cookie.
He then sent out another Pokémon. This one a Magnemite. I called back Jackie Chan, as although he survived, he was still badly shaken, and replaced him with the living tank known as Blue Thing. Oh Blue Thing, how I wished he could learn Surf. If only Jeff was here, Jeff would have known Surf.
It was only after Blue Thing took a Thunder Bolt that I remembered that Water was weak against Electric. I called back the deep fried Blue Thing and sent out Nibbils, he then used his Dig attack to kill the rest of those electric monsters. Don’t know why I didn’t just do that to begin with.

To my shock, I saw that a scout was trapped behind a small bush, don’t worry child! I shall save you! But then after I cut down the bush he came charging at me and challenged me to a Pokémon battle. How rude! I saved your life and you repay me by trying to kill us! Kill Wanker did us all proud by killing his Pokémon with Hyper Beam. Let’s see Baden Powell save you now kid!
Behind the crying child was a patch of grass. Oh what should I do? Use the rod or search the grass? But then I remembered that I’d already captured Fat Matt 2 here so I decided to carry on.

Route 13

This place was actually connected to Route 12, if it wasn’t for the little sign on the top of the screen I wouldn’t have even known about it. I decided to try out my fishing rod here, I landed my first Pokémon. A cute little sea horse called Horsea; I caught it and named her Whoresea. Welcome to the team Whoresea, now into the box with you.

I decided to use the truck load of trainers here too train Wolvo Rat as I needed to get him to evolve to the next stage. So you can imagine my panic when the first thing he came against was a Scout with a Pikachu. Why Jeff!? Why?!
Kill Wanker killed it. It wasn’t Wanker but it was good practice.
There were so many new trainers here, all of them just standing around in a maze of fences. I used Wolvo Rat to fly me back to the closest city (Vermillion) to make sure that my team was in good fighting condition.

I returned with my team refreshed and took on the first of the many trainers situated here, it was a young, attractive harlot and her first Pokémon was……a Pikachu. Noooooo! Jeff! Why harlot? Why must you taunt me so? I was so enraged that I gathered my full team for a rallying speech. Blue Thing, Nibbils, LIQUIDS ARM!?!, Wolvo Rat, Jackie Chan and Kill Wanker! Let us kill them all! Not just this harlot’s team, but every Pokémon in the area for this insult. That’s right! Even those of that Girl Scout over there. This is for you Jeff! And with those words we charged……

Many, many battles latter we were engaging our last biker; we were all battered and bruised. Wearing the blood of our enemies with pride as Kill Wanker blasted the last of the bikers Koffings with a Hyper Beam. I turned around to assess the damage; so many bodies, so many trainers weeping over the loss of their comrades. All but the Harlot. Kill Wanker had a particular special Hyper Beam saved up for her. I’ll never forget the look on her face before it was vaporised. Oh memories.
But despite this genocide one question still remained. Why had Wolvo Rat not evolved yet? He was level 35 now, and he had been a Pidgeotto way, way too long. Heck, I can’t even remember when he had been a Pidgey it had been so long.
I walked into the grass here and found, weirdly enough, a wild Pidgey. Wolvo Rat killed it, and was elevated to level 36 and then evolved into a Pidgeot, a larger, stronger bird with a long flowing mane of hair……erm…….timing?

Route 14

This was also just another part of the long road to the next city, why they were all broken up into different Routes though is beyond me. Not that I’m complaining. It just means that I can catch more Pokémon this way.
On this route I came upon the most terrifying gang of biker gangs, I imagine them to be in relation to the Hells Angels. Oh they looked absolutely terrifying, with broad muscles, bald heads and great roaring bikes. They would no doubt prove to be a terrifying group of foes. What’s that? They use only Koffing and Grimers? Oh. Well this should be easy then.

After all the bikers Pokémon were reduced to nothing more than a collection of smouldering goo, I decided to enter the grass here and find myself a new team mate. What we found was a pink blob. Really that’s what it was. It was called a Ditto, and it could change it shape into any Pokémon that it wanted. I caught one and named it Bubble Gum. Bye Bubble Gum. Into the floppy disk with you, or whatever out dated software Bill was using.

Route 15

Again this was the same road as before, it just violently turned to the right this time is all.
“Hey look it’s that kid who’s been messing with our gang!” Great, more bikers. I had only barely survived my encounter with the last group of them.
Still no matter, we had no choice but to battle them.
Weirdly enough one of them had a Ditto which transformed itself in LIQUIDS ARM!?! And used my own Glare move against me. But despite being Paralysed the real LIQUIDS ARM!?! Proved to be the better LIQUIDS ARM!?!
“You’ll pay for what you did to my Ditto!” Screamed the thug as he sent out his next Pokémon, a Koffing.
A Koffing, I thought, I’d defeated many of this disappointing gas bubbles before. LIQUIDS ARM!?! Should be able to handle it with ease. But I had forgotten about one important thing, LIQUIDS ARM!?! Was Paralysed and thus much slower.
“Koffing! Use Explosion,” suddenly the Koffing swelled with gas and erupted into a ball of flaming gas destroying everything around it. I ducked for cover behind a bird tamer, when I finally though it was safe I emerged from my hiding place, I did so, accessing the damage.
Lying on the floor was a burnt, crisp, shape that resembled a serpent.
Snake are you okay? Snake? SNAKKKKEEEE!!! (gunshot)
NO! NOT LIQUIDS ARM!!!! He was one of oldest and closest friends! He’d been with me ever since Mount Moon!
As I held my old friend in my arms, tears flowing down my check, I became aware of the bikers laughing.
“Take that kid!” Said the one who owned the Koffing, “come on guys, let’s see how many of this whips Pokémon we can kill before lunch.”
Oh they would pay! All of them! Never again would I have the joy of writing LIQUIDS ARM!?! In all block capitals! Then suddenly Nibbils, the nervous and careful member of my team stepped forward. He had been great friends with LIQUIDS ARM!?! (Okay I got to write it then) and was so distressed with the loss of one of his closest friends he wanted revenge. He cast aside his Health and Safety forms and removed his protective helmet. He was ready to fight.
“You wanna keep going kid? Fine take this one for size.” He then sent out the evolved form of a Koffing, a horrid combination of two Koffings called a Weezing.
I did not fear this creature, for I knew that Nibbils could have easily defeated it. At least that’s what I thought until I heard the command.
“Explosion.”……………it all ended so suddenly.

I won’t tell you what I saw after the explosion, for the pain is still too much for me to bare. All that you need to know is that Nibbils did in fact, not survive the explosion. The first Pokémon I’d ever caught, way back on Route 22 was dead. All I have left to remember him was his nutrition guide and safety helmet. It’s sad when you think about it; he spent all that time preparing for every possible outcome, yet the one thing he could never be prepared for was an Explosion. That’s the one thing they don’t teach you how to deal with at hypochondriac school.

I defeated the rest of the Bikers using Jackie Chan and Blue Thing. All of them had more of those Koffings and Weezings. But Jackie Chan was too quick for them to explode on him and Blue Things shell was too hard.
What was also really annoying was that after losing Nibbils I had lost both my Cut and Dig moves.
Once the Bikers had been defeated we flew back to Vermilion to heal my poor team and hold the service for two of my longest running Pokémon.

Good bye LIQUIDS ARM!?! And Nibbils. I shall miss you both dearly. It was only when I watched their souls being released to Pokémon heaven that I remembered Jeff.
Oh Jeff. Why!! I bet you would have protected LIQUIDS ARM!?! And Nibbils.

It was time to venture into the old box and find some replacement Pokémon. Well Fat Matt 2 was a no brainer, his large body mass would block most attacks. The other was a bit trickier. In the end I settled on the Gastly I had caught in the Pokémon Tower called OJ Simpson. OJ was really cool and jokey. Everyone seemed to like him, plus I always wanted a Ghost Type on my team. Once we were all ready we returned to Route 15.

Beyond the Bikers were a group of Harlots. Excellent, I thought, they would prove easy training for OJ Simpson.

Well OJ didn’t last long. He died after only a single hit, waste of a Great Ball he was. Fat Matt 2 on the other hand was an absolute beast, he just crushed everything before devouring there dead remains. Finally. Someone else who enjoyed roasted Jiggypuff.

We didn’t really bother with a funeral for OJ Simpson; we kind of just dumped him in the middle of the street. Goodbye OJ Simpson. You shall not be missed.
It wasn’t long after our battle with the Harlots that we spied the check point for the great Fuchsia City.

Fuchsia City

It had taken a heck of a long time, but we had finally made it to the next big city. Here I would claim my 5th Gym Badge.

I visited the Center and healed up my team, while here I took Bubble-gum out of the box. Welcome to the team Bubble-gum, at least that’s what I would have said if the damn thing could of learnt Cut. Goodbye Bubble-gum and welcome…..(I now took each of the Pokémon out to see which one could of learnt cut. Sadly only one could.) Jessie the Meowth. Wait Jessie! The Meowth that killed poor old Alien! You swine! You evil, stinky lady parts! I hate this thing! I couldn’t believe that I had to have it as a team member, but sadly no one else could learn cut. Oh cruel fate. Jessie joined our crew. And we all hated her!

This city was actually rather cool; the whole thing was based around a zoo where rare Pokémon were put on display. Such as Lapras, Chancy and err Voltorb. A huge adventure area called the Safari Zone was here. Lots of rare and interesting Pokémon were kept here and trainers could catch as many of them as they wanted for a price.
There was also an awful lot of trees to be cut down, what a shame I don’t have any Pokémon who aren’t MURDERERS!

I took some time out (after everything we’d been though we needed it) and visited the zoo and a few houses. I met another fishing guru and he gave me a Good Rod. This was useless as 1) it wasn’t surf and 2) I already had a Super Rod. Then next door to him was an old guy who couldn’t talk as he had lost his false teeth. It made no sense, but that didn’t stop us laughing at his misery. (It’s my own realise from everyone insulting my vastly expanding waist line.)

Fuchsia Gym

With nothing else to do (aside from the safari zone) I decided to tackle the gym, the building was very old and creaky, and inside it was dark and gloomy and hard to see a few feet ahead of you. I noticed that Wanker had already beaten this gym. It had been a while since I had seen that guy. I wonder where he is. Possibly lurking in shadows waiting to pounce no doubt.
“Welcome young challenger!” Said a very theatrical voice. A man dressed in a black suit and cape, juggling balls approached us. For a second I thought it was Wanker. “This is the great gym of Koga the Ninja master; can you navigate the traps and devious devices here before challenging the mighty Koga?”
I informed him that I could and that he should move out of my way before Jackie Chan beats the juggling balls out of him. I then strode past him and walked straight into…something. Whatever it was it was hard and hurt a lot, yet there was nothing there.
“Ha ha!” Laughed the juggler “you’ve walked into one of our gyms invisible walls! Can you navigate your way through them?”
I really could not be bothered with these childish games, so I let out Fat Matt 2 and ordered him to use Rollout.
“What are you-” but the juggler never finished.

After Fat Matt 2s Rolling spree, little remained of the gym asides from a pile of rubbed and some broken juggles and ninjas nursing their wounds.
Suddenly from the debris an elderly, stern man in ninja clothes emerged.
“Who has done this to my glorious gym?” He demanded looking disgustedly at the sleeping Fat Matt 2.
Then his gaze fell upon me, “you! Large child! Did you do this? You shall pay for your obnoxious behaviour, I shall Poison and paralyse you into submission! Come at me! Hu har!”
The battle that followed was one of the hardest, if not the hardest I’d ever had. His first Pokémon was a Muk, I battled it with Fat Matt 2. The blasted thing just would not die! It just kept poisoning Fat Matt until I eventually ran out of antidotes. Fat Matts Body Slam did a metric ton of damage, but Muk’s defences were just too high. Then after each Body Slam Koga heal Muk with a Hyper Potion. Eventually after almost half an hour, the thing breathed its last breath. Well done Fat Matt, only issue is that the Muk was only the first, he had another 3 Pokémon waiting. Luckily his two Koffings were squashed quickly by Fat Matt 2.
But after the Koffings came the worst; a level 43 Weezing. This horrid monster could not be brought down, I used every one of my Pokémon against it and all that happened was they were poisoned and then nearly killed by its ridiculously high attack. In the end the only thing that I had left that even stood a chance again Weezing was Kill Wanker. I ordered him to charge his Hyper Beam; the Weezing then used Toxic and badly poisoned him. I prayed that this Hyper Beam would finish it off, as there was no way that Kill Wanker could have survived one of this things attacks. Luckily for me the Hyper Beam struck and was a critical hit! The Weezing exploded in a rupture of black gunk.
It was finally over; I fear if it wasn’t for Kill Wanker we would have all died then. Thankfully by some miracle no one had.
Well done Kill Wanker, you may be as bland as toast, but you fire a mean Hyper Beam.

Koga admitted defeat and gave me a badge, a TM for Toxic and the repair bill for the Gym. I didn’t care, I ran right to the Poke-Center before half my team died from poisoning.

Screw this city! And Screw that gym! I can’t remember the last time I was so annoyed about something! Emperor Oak was right. Everybody outside of Pallet were evil dictators trying to kill us! Boy this had been a difficult week, not only had I lost both Nibbils and LIQUIDS ARM!?! (I got to write it again, yay) but I had also nearly failed the challenge against the wrath of Koga.
Here’s hoping that next week will be a little easier, but then considering I didn’t know how to find the HM for Surf, or where to go. I doubted it very much….

To be continued……

Bulbapedia entries for all new Pokémon

Pokémon™ is owned by Nintendo, Creatures Inc. and Game Freak Inc.


Black 2 Part 9: Mining Puns

Route 6

It took me a few days to return after the loss of Lord Tibbs, the duty of looking after the boxes was inherited by the weird Cotton guy who had never left the box. It seemed fitting that way, at least he’d never die.
I then filled up the gap on my team with the Ducklett called Maid Moist who I’d captured on the Driftview Bridge. In the words of Harry Potter “HOW DARE YOU STAND WHERE HE STOOD!”

I returned to Route 6 to continue our training, it was a cold, winters day and the mist was rolling from across the sea.
We explored more of this Route eventually coming across a large cave and a small house set before it. I decided to explore the house first, inside I met with a perverted elderly gentleman, a healing lady and a child playing with a shiny rock………. Okay then. I left the house, after having the healing lady heal my team and entered the cave.

Charge Stone Cave

This cave was very well lit and had a mysterious blue glow to it, the caves surface and atmosphere was charged with electricity.
I was surprised, I had come all this way and not once had I found something or someone blocking my path. But then just before I started celebrating my new found freedom I saw Bianca. Damn!
“Hi Elm Jr,” she was standing next to a large blue stone that seemed to be floating some inches off the floor. “This is what we call a Magnetic Crystal and I’m examining them for Professor Juniper. Watch what happens when I push it.” She gave it a nudge and the large crystal flew across the cave and attached itself to a large rock.
“The rocks in here are also magnetized so the crystals will be attracted to them if you give them a little encouragement.”
“Thanks for the info,” I said.
“Any how I’m going deeper into the cave to do more research. Have fun,” and those were her parting words as she went deeper into the cave.
Could it be? Was I actually allowed to explore this place despite not having gotten the 5th gym badge? Was I free to explore?
Such was the overwhelming feeling of freedom that I decided that I did not want to actually explore the cave and instead returned to Route 6 to get everybody ready for the gym.
I especially put a lot of work into training Maid Moist as I believed that her typing of Flying and Water would be very useful in the upcoming gym battle.
When I finally believed everyone to be ready (and with nobody dying) I decided to return to Driftview and tackle Leader Clay.

Driftview Gym

As I approached the doors to the gym I heard a voice call out to me, I turned and was met by Dumb Ass.
“Hi Elm Jr are you taking on the gym leader?” He asked panting.
“No I’m fishing for sea otters. What does it look like I’m doing?”
“Well if you’re going to take on Clay here’s some advice,” he said ignoring me “his Pokémon are all Ground types so Electric moves won’t affect them. However they won’t be able to affect Flying types. A water and grass type will also be quite useful. Good thing your starter was a Snivy, you should have no problem. Well I’ll be waiting for you out here. Good look.”
He didn’t even blink when I burst into tears at the mention of Tibbs.

Inside the gym was a large golden reception area with a giant lift behind the desk, attached to each of the walls were a number of awards and photos.
“Are you here to challenge Clay?” Asked the receptionist, I told her I was, “then just take the lift behind me and ride it down into the mines.
Mines? I didn’t like the sound of that.
“Thanks,” I said noticing that Dumb Ass’s name was on the list of victorious trainers, it seems he’s gotten ahead of me.

I rode the large elevator down where it took me to a large control room where, surprise, surprise. The Shady Guy was waiting for me.
“Hey Champ!” He said “have I got some advice-”
“Use Flying, Water and Grass and avoid Electric,” I said taking the bottled water from him “Dumb Ass told me up stairs.”
“Damn it! That kids stealing my job! I don’t know why I help him.”
“I’m not sure why you’re helping any of us to be fair.”
“That’s a story for another day my friend,” he said smiling sadly, “now off you go. I’m sure you’ll do fine. That is if you don’t get lost and die down here in the mines.”
“Don’t worry Shady Guy; I’m pretty good at navigating these sorts of things.”

10 minutes later I was totally lost, this place was a maze of platforms, escalators and elevators. To make matters worse the platforms would only ever light up once you’d stepped on them meaning until you did so you were left totally in the dark.
Plus miners kept challenging me to Pokémon Battles; didn’t these people have anything better to be doing? Like, you know, mining?
One of them nearly killed Maid Moist with a Drilbur; it used a move called Rock Slide which was Super Effective against her. Lucky for me she held on just long enough for me to use a Water Pulse and kill it. After the battle the miner kept spewing awful mining puns “life is full of pitfalls.” Kill me!

Day 7. Still lost in the Driftview Mines or at least I think it’s been seven days. I can’t tell anymore because my watch thing doesn’t work underground for some reason.
During this time we all got to know Maid Moist a little better. By which we discovered that, although she was quite egger, she was also quite bashful. And got embarrassed when any of the boys on our team got too close to her. She formed a tight friend ship with Ember, who until recently had also been quite shy. Also I think that Timmy and Emofo had started some kind of weird relationship. How nice. I hope it lasts longer then Father Fry’s and Mrs Patt’s did.
“Jee Kid you sure like to keep me waiting,” I turned around with a fright, stood before me was a short, portly man with a heavy Texas accent and wearing a large 10 gallon hat.
“Are you Clay?” I asked in a croaky voice. (It had been so long since I last spoken to another human being who didn’t just talk in mining puns.)
“Yeah that’s me,” he said spitting into the corner, “and I take it you’re the challenger. Well let’s not waste time, let me see what you can do.”
He sent out his first Pokémon, it was a large crocodile on its hind legs. This was a Krokorok and was the evolved form of Sandile.
I met this with Maid Moist who killed it in one hit with a Water Pulse.
Clay merely grunted and sent out a large, angry mole beats with steel blades for hands. This was an Excadrill and it was the evolved form of Drilbur. Remembering the damage a little Drilbur had done to Maid Moist I quickly switched her out for Timmy.
It was suddenly a battle of the titans down underground as Timmy and the Excadrill clashed together. The huge mole used a Rock Slide at one point which hit Timmy right in the weak spot, but luckily left him with 1hp. Phew!
Timmy then used his Strength to crush the moles skull between two concrete pillars killing it stone dead.
“Fair enough,” said Clay, still lacking any emotion. He then spent out his last Pokémon, a Sandslash. Timmy swatted it aside with ease crushing it against the wall of the mine shaft.
“TAKE THAT CLAY!” I said as I watched the Sandslash’s crushed body slide down the wall. We had won, once again because of Timmy. But then not without a little help from Maid Moist. I’ll admit I was expecting more of a challenge, Lord Tibbs would have been proud.
“What the hell’s going on?” he said confused “little whippersnappers like you have been showing up one after recently.” He then gave me a Quake Badge and the TM for the move Bulldoze.
“Well no sense wasting any more time, follow me,” he then lead me to a large elevator which lead us back up to the reception we were at earlier. I decided to ignore the impossibility of this (it was a different lift but took us back to the same starting point as another lift?) I followed him out of the gym.

Driftview City

“MY EYES!!” I screamed as the first daylight I’d seen for an age shone into them.
“Did you win Elm Jr?” Dumb Ass said as he approached.
“Dumb Ass? Your still here?” I asked amazed, “how long have you been waiting?”
“About 40 minutes,” he said casually, (clearly I had been melodramatic over the time spent in the gym.)
“Anyway,” Dumbass continued “it was not you that won that battle, it was your Pokémon. And the same goes for me! Elm we must grow stronger! I will not abandon Purloin to Plasma!”
“Are you still going on about that darn Purloin?” Said Clay looking at us both with disgust, “anyway I take it you two both know each other.”
“Damn right we do and together were going to defeat Team Plasma!”
“Kid what’s your beef with Plasma? Can’t you just forgive them like the rest of us have?”
“How could I forgive Team Plasma after all the evil stuff they’d done! How can you even call yourself a gym leader?”
“Because they’ve changed, look kid you saw them up on the hill. They have done a lot to help this city and all the Pokémon hurt in the local neighbourhoods. Sure I may have battled against them two years ago, but things change. Can’t you just let it go?”
“Never! I and my Pokémon will battle until either Plasma is defeated or death takes us!”
“Whatever kid,” he said striking a match and lighting a cigar, “regardless I want you both to meet me at the Pokémon World Tournament. It moved into the city not so long ago and since then the town has grown massively. It’s where the old Cold Storage units used to be. I’ll see you both there.” And with that Clay was off.
“I must get stronger!” Then Dumb Ass ran after him. Well, guess I was going to the Pokémon World Tournament then.

Pokémon World Tournament

The Pokémon World Tournament was a huge stadium surrounded by a host of brightly lit stores and attractions. This whole place was actually pretty cool looking and was absolutely teeming with life as people ran excitedly from stand to stand.
Some of the stands were actually pretty cool, such as a guy who could teach Pokémon certain moves, some guy who could teach them hidden moves and one guy who could delete certain moves. I was just about to enter the main stadium when I spied a strange looking cave that most people either didn’t see or chose to ignore. Out of curiously we entered.

Relic Passage

Wow remember this place? It was the small cave at the back of the Castelia City Sewers; it seems that we were now on the other side of it. Inside I battled some more really tough trainers (and one particularly annoying Raticate.) We also came across a wild Onix! Sadly I could not capture it as I had already caught Timmy in this cave some time back.

We explored this cave some more but found little more of interest then a large lake surrounded by Hikers and an entrance to another area. I decided to explore.

Relic Passage

Okay now I really was confused. This had led me back to the castle buried under the sand back in the Desert Resort.
It seems that we were now in a different part of the ruins however as I did not recognise any of this place. It seemed to be some kind of large, vast, empty labyrinth. We did a lot of exploring down here and found little more than an Ultra ball. Yay?
But then our eyes spied a large doorway hidden behind an ancient pot, I pushed the pot aside and entered the room. I could not believe what we found in there.
Inside was a Pokémon, but not just any Pokémon. No this was the super rare ancient, giant, flaming, bug Pokémon from old. It was a Volcarona. And it looked angry, which scared us all greatly as the creature was utterly hideous to look at anyway.
It stared us down with it burning eyes and charged us. To me this looked like the end. This old hidden ruin would forever become our tomb. But then out of nowhere Ember stepped up and absorbed its Fire Spin attack, Ember then responded by using a Fire Spin of her own. Both Pokémon were now absorbed in two flaming tornados, and an epic battle of fire on fire began.
Such was the intenseness of the flames I could barely make out anything asides from two waxing shadows that appeared to be dancing.
When the fire finally subdued only one Pokémon could be seen standing amongst the ash. It was Ember. Ember had saved us all from an ancient evil. She was a hero, the ancient demon slayer. It was at this moment that I realised that she was no ordinary Pokémon and was in fact something much more.

Pokémon World Tournament

As we emerged from the cave, I started to question the reality of what we had all just witnessed. Standing here before the Pokémon World Tournament it was hard to think that moments before I had witnessed an epic battle between Ember and a Fire demon.
But regardless, I decided to continue with my adventure, I met Clay and Dumb Ass outside the main area of The Pokémon World Tournament. Our old friend Cheren was there too. It turns out that this Tournament once brought in a lot of money for Driftview, but sadly people had started to lose interest in it. He hoped that if the four of us entered the Tournament it might spark up enough interest to get people to start coming back here.
Now here is how I see this. The tournament is a completely optional aspect of Pokémon, it bares more in relation to online/competitive battling then it does to an actual adventure. Plus because of this Pokémon cannot be healed, cannot gain experience and are completely restored between battles. Therefore, I decided that I will ignore this aspect and continue with my adventure, as I wasn’t sure how it fit in with the rules of Nuzlocke.
Thus when Clay and the others entered the stadium I quickly snuck away, I hope they didn’t mind too much. Anyway I headed back to the Charge Stone Cave to continue the adventure.

Charge Stone Cave

Well that pretty much sums up this week’s antics, beyond this cave lay the next city with the next gym. The cave looked pretty easy to navigate too, so I wasn’t expecting it to be too difficult to pass through.
But before we end I did come across a brand new Pokémon who joined our little team, she was a small, cute baby spider full of electricity. It was a Joltik and I thought she was awesome. I named her Nickalum (a name soon to go down in legend no doubt.) I kind of hoped to use her soon. But then, hopefully not too soon.

To be Continued……….
Bulbapedia entries for all new Pokémon

Pokémon™ is owned by Nintendo, Creatures Inc. and Game Freak Inc.


Fire Red Part 9: Team Rockets Legal Difficulties

Saffron City

This city was quite possibly the biggest in the region; there were absolutely hundreds of houses and tower blocks, as well as an uncountable number of streets. The most famous of the office blocks was the huge Silph Co. Building in the cities centre.
Yet oddly for a city of this size there were surprisingly few people around, in fact there was nobody around. It was deserted.
I knocked on a few doors to discover that they were either locked or a man dressed in a Team Rocket uniform would tell me to go away.
Eventually I found a house that I could enter, outside was a sign saying Mr Psychic’s house. I bet he would see us coming.
“Ah, I saw you coming,” he said confirming my prediction, “no, you don’t have to say anything. But If you want I’ll tell you how long you have before your Raticate dies-” I’d heard enough! This man was clearly a witch! I order Kill Wanker to burn down his house with him inside. But not before I stole the TM for Psychic from him. I bet he wished he’d seen this coming I thought as the flames engulfed him.

I saw a few more members of Team Rocket loitering outside of a house. It seems as though they’ve taking control of this whole city, but that couldn’t be true could it? How could Team Rocket have captured a whole city? They struggle capturing a Rattata. I decided to approach one of them and inquire about the situation.
“Get lost fatty were talking,” what a nice man, I thought. Well I had nothing else to do but battle the gym. But when I tried to enter some Rocket Grunts stopped me and threw me out.
“No gym battle whilst the towns under lock down’” they said, ‘try the Dojo next door if you want. Next to the gym was another, run down and tired looking gym. I told them no thank you, and went on my way.

Since there was nothing else I could do here I decided to train Kill Wanker for a while.

Celadon City

Before I trained Kill Wanker I went back to the Mega Store to buy Kill Wanker some better moves. I purchased Hyper Beam. My logic for this was because it was the most expensive, and in my experience that usually means its better.
After purchasing Hyper Beam I now had 58pp to my name, just enough to visit the overpriced Museum.

One museum visit later I now had 8pp. I decided to check the map and see where I could go. Route 12 near Lavender Town. Off I went.

Route 12

This route was constructed out of wooden platforms floating on the ocean, not the most practical means of water travel I’ll be honest. (Why don’t they just build a bridge?)
There were a lot of fisher men with tatty Water Pokémon along this route, again not the most practical way to train a Fire type, but what else could I do.
I had our good old friend Nibbils and LIQUIDS ARM!?! Provide Kill Wanker with cover.
Things were going quite well until I came across another one of those fat sleeping things. What’s worse is this is the same one that I came across way back in part 5. It had fallen asleep at a cross road.
Great, as long as these fat things blocked my way I was stuck.
With nothing else to do I returned to Saffron to battle that run down Dojo, perhaps they could help me get around these sleeping Gastropods.

Saffron City
Psychic I returned to the Fighting Dojo; inside it was a sad place where former, middle aged martial arts champions relived there glory days.
I approached the closest person and asked if they would like a battle, at which point suddenly the gym sparked into life.
“Ha ha har, you dare challenge the Fighting Dojo,” he gloated, “fine! If you win I shall award you with a Pokémon of your choice!” I asked if he couldn’t just give me a gym badge.
“Alas we lost our official gym status when the Psychic witch opened a gym next door. We protested and said that the rules stated only one gym per city. We then challenged them to a battle to see who would maintain official gym status! Sadly we forgot that Fighting is incredibly weak again Psychic types. The massacre that followed doesn’t even bare thinking about….”
I felt so sorry for these guys, so I desired to accept there challenge, give the old timers something to do.
“Great! The challenge involves defeated all 5 of us in battle, once you defeat my comrades you will have to defeat me!”
I immediately regretted challenging this people, there Pokémon were a much higher levels than mine.
I found myself struggling against a tide of Machop, Machoke, Manky and Primeape. Most of my team struggled against these beasts. Nibbils refused to battle as he said a single attack from these brutes would kill him, and he wasn’t willing to take the risk. And LIQUIDS ARM!?! Still had a poor move pool. It all fell to Blue Thing and Wolvo Rat to defend my team. The move Seismic Toss was incredibly annoying and I nearly lost Wolvo Rat to it 6 times. Why wasn’t it not effective? He was a Flying Type.
After defeating the first three trainers the only team member who was still remotely healthy was Blue Thing who found himself facing a huge muscular Titan with four arms called Machamp! He picked up Blue Thing with one hand and threw him across the hall as if he was a tennis ball. Luckily Blue Things defence was so high it didn’t kill him. Blue Thing fired a Water pulse which just bounced off the Machamp’s hide.
“You’re no match for my Machamp!” His trainer laughed. True, but I did have a lot of potions! So after healing Blue Thing six times and getting off a Water Pulse every now and then the great champion fell dead.
“Well done Warrior of Pallet,” said the Dojo leader, “now you must battle me!” I asked if I could quickly heal up at the Center first. He said there was nothing against it in the rules, so I quickly popped out to prepare my team.
When I returned we engaged in battle, his first Pokémon was a tall shifty, humanoid creature with long bendy legs. It was a Hitmonlee. I tried battling this athletic beast with my Blue Thing, but after a single swift kick Blue Thing was very badly hurt and near death. I was starting to think maybe I should have been better prepared before tackling this guy. I mean if a single hit nearly brought down my best and most artificially pumped Pokémon what did this mean for the rest of my team?
I needed to pull Blue Thing out and heal him, but who could replace him? Certainly not LIQUIDS ARM!?! And Nibbils straight up refused to go out and battle. Oh Jeff, if only you were still with us. Then I remembered hearing from somewhere that Flying Types are pretty effective against fighting, so once more I called upon Wolvo Rat to help us out of this predicament.
When I switch him in he took the same attack that Blue Thing did, only it wasn’t very effective so it only took down about half of his health.
I ordered a Gust attack and did a descent amount of damage to the Hitmonlee. I had now discovered my battle plan; I would keep on alternating between Gust and Potions. This plan worked in my favour and soon the Hitmonlee fell dead.
“You have not won yet warrior from Pallet!” Said the Dojo leader and this time he sent out another interesting Pokémon, this one almost looked human, with a few exceptions. It also donned and impressive pair of boxing gloves. This was a Hitmonchan.
At first glance I thought nothing of this creature and ordered another Gust, which to my surprise was a critical hit and did and absolute ton of damage.
But just as it looked as though the battle was all but won, Hitmonchan’s fist sparked with lightening and he struck Wolvo Rat. Super Effective! He barely survived the hit.
This was bad; I really wasn’t expecting such an attack! The Hitmonchan thing had me covered on all bases, Nibbils was weak to its Fighting moves and neither Blue Thing nor Wolvo Rat could take another hit. Jeff! Help me! My only hope was LIQUIDS ARM!?!
I swapped to LIQUIDS ARM!?! Who took the attack surprisingly well; I then began the long process of Poison Stinging the boxer. It became a steady process of sting and heals. After a long, long process it finally died. And it only took all of my potions.
“Well done Warrior of Pallet! You have shown me that the route to success is not who trains the most. But who can afford the most medical products. For your victory I can’t give you a badge. But I can give you a new Pokémon to join you on your quest.
I asked if he had any spears Jeff’s.
“I do not know of Jeff, but I do have a Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee that you can take with you. But choose wisely, as you may only take one.
I told him I needed both.
“Now now don’t be greedy, I’ve given you one of my best Pokémon, and seeing as though you killed my others I need at least one.
Greedy? But my name is Fat Matt. AND I’M HUNGRY!!!!
I chose the Hitmonchan and called it Jackie Chan, welcome to the team. I expect you to not live up to the Legend who was Jeff.
I thanked the dojo and left, I still had absolute no idea no idea where to go. Every Route to the next city was blocked. I decided that I would return to Celadon and think things over.

Celadon City

I found some depressed guy in a bar who gave me a coin case before he killed himself, so I sat in the Casino for a while and played a few games.
I had now noticed that I had a full team again. Jackie Chan was pretty cool, although he was an absolute nightmare for my Team mates. He kept playing tricks and teasing poor Nibbils and tying LIQUIDS ARM!?! Into knots. Oh he was a trouble maker. On the other hand Killer Wanker was about as exciting as toast, it was like a living piece of stereo foam that could burn things (if only he had a fire move) I should really have just called him toaster.

After playing a few games I noticed a member of Team Rocket standing awkwardly in front of a poster. I decided to greet this man and ask if he would like to join me in a game.
“Get away from me! I’m not guarding any secret button behind this poster!” He then attacked me with a Rattata.
Well this was an interesting turn of events; I had Jackie Chan punch the thing to death.
“No I must retreat back into our secret layer and call for back up!” He then disappeared into the crowd. Out of curiosity I decided to check behind the poster, there was a secret button. I pressed it and a secret stair case opened up before me. I decided to investigate. Not a single gambler noticed any of this.

Team Rocket Head Quarters

As soon as I set foot in this place I knew something was off, criminal organisation? Rotating floor panels? Stealing Pokémon? I no no no! This just would not do!
“It’s that Super trainer from Mount Moon!” Suddenly I turned and saw a whole host of Rocket Grunts staring fearfully at me.
“How did he get in?”
“He’ll kill us all!”
“We must stop him!”
“Screw that I’m getting out of here,”
“Come on! He’s just one kid! I suggest that if we all rush him we can stop him!”
“But that doesn’t follow Team Rocket proto call!”
“Fine then we all attack him one at a time, and hope that one of us it strong enough to beat him.”
“Will that work?”
“Has it ever worked?”
“Why don’t we just ask the guy what he wants?”
One of the grunts approached and asked me what I wanted, I went to inform him that I wanted to battle them and defeat their Pokémon. However I did not say this to him, as there was something else in my mind. I asked him if he had a building permit for this fine establishment. As I’m pretty sure that a secret underground base built under the casino went against the building code and the fire code regulations and that if he did not do something about this quickly I would have to inform the local council. I then moved on to other areas. I started to ask if Team Rocket had a gambling licence to be allowed to run the casino upstairs, otherwise I’d have to inform the Police of their illegal activities. In fact all those spinning tiles are surely against Health and Safety regulations. I told them that, with all these problems, the building would have to be condemned until these changes had been met. I then demanded to speak with their boss.

I was then marched into an elevator and taken lower down into a large rectangle office, where a tall muscular man in a suit with cruel eyes was waiting for me.
“I am the leader of Team Rocket, Giovanni!” He said rising to his feet, “so you’re the young trouble maker whose been causing us so much grief.” He sighed a sad sigh, “What do you want from us kid? Were just a simple criminal organisation, why are you doing this to us?”
I told him that I was doing this purely for the safety and well-being of his employees. I told him that there was several health and safety violations that he is breaking with this property, not to mention a number of fire code regulations.
Hidden switch that can only be opened via a button hidden behind a poster? What if the building collapsed? How would the fire services be able to gain entry to the lower levels if they don’t know they exist? And a secret office that can only be accessed via the lift? What if there was a fire? How would you escape? And don’t get me started on the strange spinning tiles that catapult people across the room.
There are certain criteria put in place for a reason and if these conditions are not met it could be dangerous for all those working here.
I will be reporting my findings here to the council! I’m sorry but it’s for your own good, the criteria must be met if you are to continue this business.
I will also be reporting you to the Trading Standards and the Police if you do not sort out the gambling and building permits. I have already documented this on this official government document which I will make a copy and give to you. You have 14 working days. Good day Mr Giovani.
What was that? You want to bribe me with a Silph Scope……….okay.

Return to Pokémon Tower

Now that I had the Silph Scope I could actually see what the ghosts at the Pokémon Tower really were (and for some reason so could my team.) I returned to the Lavender Town and began to climb the dreaded tower of the dead.

This place held some dreadful memories for me; I looked at a blood stains on the floor. This was where Jeff died. Of Jeff! Why! Why!
But I could not moan my fallen comrade for too long as I was suddenly attacked by a g.g.g.g…..GHOST!!!!
Well it couldn’t fool me, I turned on my Silph Scope and the ghost revealed itself as a floating, dead, gas, bubble called Gastly. So the ghost was actually……..a ghost. Okay? Caught it and named him OJ Simpson. I sent it to the boxes. I then took a few more steps and came upon a Cubone.
Why could I not have found this first?
I walked a little further and came across a strange women dressed in a toga, she claimed to be possessed by a ghost and battled me with her Pokémon (Gastly). Makes sense to me, out came the Power house, Blue Thing, who killed it with ease. Then she sent out another Pokémon, this time it was a really creepy ghost with jagged teeth. It was called a Haunter and it was the evolved form of Gastly. Blue Thing hopped to it again, it kept using a move called Night Shade that lowered health equal to the level of the user. Either the worst or the best move depending on the situation. Luckily it wasn’t to devastating for Blue Thing and after another Water Pulse it fell dead.
After I defeated her she shook her head and blinked.
“Thank you! You have saved me! I am possessed no more,” she then left without another word. This would have been a strange occurrence, if the exact same thing didn’t happen another twenty times! Why were all these women in this tower? Why were they wearing togas? Why were they all possessed by ghosts? Why did they all use the same Pokémon? Why did beating them in a Pokémon battle cure them?
So many questions, all of them I didn’t care enough about to actually find out the answer. I just climbed the tower, defeating Gastly, Haunters and crazy, demon women in togas.

Then suddenly, after I’d battled my way up to the towers half way point, my eyes fell upon a particularly interesting piece of candy. In fact it was a Rare Candy. I was just about to eat it (I enjoy all types of confectionary) when I noticed poor little Blue Thing. Bless him, he looked so tired, and he is pretty much carrying my team at this point. I decided to reward him with the Candy, making him one level stronger. But it seems that, the one level was just enough, for my dear old Blue Thing started to evolve! That’s right evolve, this time into a giant muscular tortoise with two massive guns sticking out of the sides of his cannons. He was now a Blastoise, and much, much more deadly.

We at last came to the final stairs of the Pokémon tower, where Mister Fugi was keeping Team Rocket hostage. Yeah, remember that. Seems like it’s been forever since I originally came here to try and save them, oh I hope they’re doing okay.
I placed my first foot on the staircase when I was attacked by a ghost. A real one this time. I used the Silph Scope and identified it as a Marowak.
I then remembered the story the little girl at the depressing orphanage told me, the one about the Cubone whose mother was killed by Team Rocket.
This Marowak must have been Cubone’s mother that could not rest until it had claimed revenge on Team Rocket; the only problem was that it also seemed to be quite scared of them. Meaning it had just sat on this staircase waiting to build up the courage to attack them.
I told the ghost that I would help it avenge its death if it got out of the way, it did not so
I had my newly evolved Blue Thing blast it back into the underworld. Dead or not, nothing could withstand Blastoise.

I climbed the stairs to the top floor where I found Team rocket holding Fugi hostage, it turns out that I had been misguided.
“Oh no! It’s that kid with all the legal documents!” They cried.
“Don’t tell me he’s going to evict use from here too!”
I defeated all of their Zubats and Rattata, untied mister Fugi and had Nibbils use dig to get us out of there. He dug a huge hole that went all the way to the lobby, killing many Gastly, Cubones and I’m sure a few toga lady’s in the process.

Lavender Town

When I returned Mr Fugi to his house all the children and Pokémon celebrated by not crying over something for 15 seconds.
“Thank you young man!” Said Fugi “you not only saved me but I also believe you helped put Cubones mother to rest by defeating Team Rocket.”
I told him I did so by killing it with Blue Thing and that if he didn’t give me a reward I would do the same to him.
“Okay I don’t want any trouble, here take this Pokéflute. It will wake up any sleeping Pokémon without fail.”
I asked if it could also wake up one of those fat sleeping things that were blocking my Route.
“I imagine so-” I pushed past him, took the flute and ran towards Route 12 to wake the sleeping giant.

Route 12

I made my way down the wooden platforms to the great slumbering giant. I proceeded to whip out my flute and played a merry little jingle. To my surprise the flute was surprisingly easy to play. This may have been because it was on the beginners setting.
Weirdly, despite the utter soothing melody the flute played, the lumbering, obese mass, known as a Snorlax actually woke up. It clambered to its feet and attacked us in a grumpy rage.

I was expecting the battle with this creature to be intense, long and enduring. But it was actually fairly easy. I had Jackie Chan Punch it once with a brick break and it fell back in a bloody and beaten state. It was then that I realised that I had still yet to capture a new Pokémon on this route. So I threw a Great Ball and captured it on my first go.
YES!! I had caught me a Snorlax and opened the Route to the next city, hopefully the road ahead wouldn’t be too long (oh how naive I was.) I called Snorlax Fat Matt 2 and hoped that maybe one day he would join my team. But not too much, as I’d rather grown attached to the team and hoped to have many a battle with them in good health and cheer. I loved them…………….someone’s going to die next time aren’t they.

To be continued………..

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